Companies Ask Employees to be 2-3 People Each


By Stuart Swanson

Article XVI

January 17, 2019

One person working together to get the job done.


It’s been another great year!

Company owners are “killing it” with a record number of employee heart attacks, which is great, because we all know that employees are happiest when they are physically dead.

4th quarter revenue was awesome for every company everywhere. In fact, profits were so high that today several major corporations issued company-wide emails to thousands of employees across the globe. Every company wrote the same email.

They each stated:

Good day everyone, here’s the first layer of a compliment sandwich. You’re all doing an amazing job, and we are so grateful for your hard work.

Sadly, our revenue only improved by 157% last year, just shy of our impossible 175% goal. This means that we only have several million dollars in extra cash at all times. We could use that extra money to create more jobs to meet the extra demand, which would increase happiness for employees and customers, but instead we decided to keep all the profit and watch everybody suffer the consequences. Also, I can’t believe it but there are more layoffs, and your peers continue to quit because they want a better life.

Anyway, long story short, we need you to do your job plus 1-2 other people’s jobs so that you’re too busy to notice that your health insurance is now worse than ever before.

Good luck!