Man Calls Himself an ‘Animal Lover’ While Eating 3-Animal Sandwich

By Stuart Swanson

Article XIII

November 13th, 2017

Earlier today, a quiet vegan who keeps to himself reluctantly accepted an invitation to go to lunch with an outgoing friend.

The only reason why he said “yes” is because vegans try to be friendly and accommodating to everyone. They have to be nice, because if one vegan does one wrong thing, the internet will talk about just that one vegan for the rest of the year.

So today, this vegan was nice and agreed to go. He even let his friend choose whatever restaurant he wanted.

As they arrived to The Uncomfortable Hog, which is a real popular place for normal people, the vegan was googling his options for one minute before he ran out of time and settled on a pathetic excuse for a meal.

His friend ordered one of the plentiful animal-based items on the menu while scrolling through social media and not even thinking about food.

They got their food, and his friend couldn’t help but notice his tomato sandwich, and was like “What the hell is that?”

The vegan went on auto-pilot and explained that he’s vegan, it’s no big deal, he does it for the animals, etc. “Anyway how have you been?”

But his friend wouldn’t let it go, and proceeded to give him a hard time, forcing the usual conversation, which lasted the entire lunch.

The vegan remained calm, saying nice things like, “Yeah, this is what I eat, every day for sure. I come here every day and order… this. Anything for the animals, right?” careful not to sound sarcastic, because remember, vegans are nice.

At the end of the lunch, the exhausted vegan thought it was over, until his friend finally admitted, “I get it, you’re an animal lover. Well you know, I am too,” as he took a bite of his Squealy Moshpit Burger, which is made of the parts of 3 different animals, plus some juice from a couple others.

“Really?” The vegan had to ask, as he waited for an explanation.

His friend continued, as five different species were represented on his plate.

“Oh yeah, I’m totally an animal lover. I love dogs and rescues. I would do ANYTHING to save animals except eat less meat.”

Then a moment later, he paused and looked off to the side in what looked like a very deep thought. It seemed like he just had an epiphany…

Then, abruptly, he sneezed and ate his sandwich. He hadn’t been thinking at all. He just had to sneeze.

The End.