Fire Department Called Over Harmless Vaping Incident

By Stuart Swanson

Article IV

June 29th, Current Year

Earlier tonight, concerned citizen Stuart Swanson made a life-changing decision to try to help save someone’s life.  During his otherwise normal drive across town, he saw something nobody should ever have to see.  A flash fire appeared to have started IN SOMEONE’S CAR.  Well… not a fire exactly, but there was SMOKE BILLOWING OUT OF THE WINDOW.

Normally he would have just shrugged it off and kept driving, but he was pretty sure another driver noticed that he saw the problem.  That changed everything, because now if he didn’t react, he might get shamed on the internet for driving past a fellow human who was dying by turning into smoke.

he was pretty sure another driver noticed that he saw the problem

Now that he realized he was required to take action, he took a huge chance and called 911 while driving.

During the first 3 minutes of the conversation, Mr. Swanson kept explaining to 911 that he wasn’t breaking the law by talking on his cell phone while driving.  They kept interrupting him to say that it was OK, but he can’t hear when he’s not listening.

Finally, he explained that there was smoke coming out of another driver’s window every 30 seconds or so, and they immediately explained, that was just somebody smoking a vape cigarette or whatever it’s called.

“Oh,” he said after a moment of silence.

Slightly embarrassed, Stuart Swanson then made sure they understood his point of view.  “Okay I do feel stupid right now, yes, but you have to understand, I thought the man’s head was on fire,” he said calmly, then added, “You should have seen how much smoke was coming from this man’s head.”

“I thought the man’s head was on fire,”

The 911 operator then thanked him for his service, and told him to have a good night, but there was definitely a hint of a laugh as she said it.

 

DISCLAIMER:  IT’S NOT FUNNY.  DON’T CALL 911 UNLESS IT IS AN EMERGENCY.

 

 

 

 

Snooze Button Now World’s Most Popular Button

By Stuart Swanson

Article I

June 27th, Current Year

Move over smart phone, there’s a new button that’s all the rage with kids, adults and even other kinds of people.  Whoever you are, you can’t get enough of this thing, and you know it.

The snooze button, who now goes by AKA Snoozy due to its newfound fame, finally agreed to sit down with The Trues and answer a few questions we’ve ALL been dying to ask.

Editor’s Note: We met up in the outdoor courtyard of a quaint coffee shop, on a very nice sunny day.  This interview was cut short because, well, you’ll see.

 

The Trues:

First off, thank you for agreeing to have this interview.  Ever since you physically retired last year, leaving the grunt work to all of your clones, you’ve been known to live an elusive, private life.

 

AKA Snoozy:

Hey, no problem.  It’s actually kind of nice to get out of the house.  It’s nice to have a house!

 

The Trues:

You’re actually so popular that people are calling you something new every 15 seconds.  In fact, in the timeframe that we’ve been talking, according to Twitter, your name is now simply “The Snooze”…

 

The Snooze:

Well hey, what can I say, “Life is weird, ain’t it?”  Can I coin that term?  Oh wait, I just did! *Arrogant Snicker*

 

The Trues:

Everyone loves you.  How can you not love a temporary escape from reality?  You’ve been around for about a century, but you really skyrocketed last year thanks to rising inflation, lower incomes, overbearing supervisors with single-family homes and nice cars, never-ending elections, celebrity deaths, facebook comments, rigged sports events, recycled entertainment and general sadness increasing every day.  If you think about it, we’re all living in a tame, slow-motion prequel to The Hunger Games.  People simply don’t even want to get up anymore…  But you’re doing great!  How are you dealing with being in the spotlight?

 

The Snooze:

Wow.  When you put it like that, it explains a lot.  I was actually in a good mood until now.  You’re right, the only reason why I’m popular is because life sucks for the majority of Earth’s population.  What was the question again?

 

The Trues:

I am so, so sorry.  Let me rephrase: What’s your life been like since last year? (How have you been dealing with the fame and popularity?)

 

Tom Snooze: (who removed his sunglasses in order to make direct eye contact to answer this question):

You know, you really brought me down, man.  Here I was, an aging hipster in the twilight of my life, just when it started to be cool to be an aging hipster.  Finally enjoying my moment in the sun.  Better yet, thanks to mass production I was able to retire and start globetrotting.  Everywhere I go, I’m recognized.  And not only that, everyone’s been real nice to my face.  But now, I’m not sure how genuine that is.  Thanks to you, with your question — your pre-calculated, backhanded question, I’m not so sure how genuine everyone has been.  Now, it’s quite clear to me that I’m not really “adored” but I’m more of a depressing reminder that people have to get up and “try” to make it another day…

 

[Snooze was becoming visibly angry and people were starting to stare]

 

The Trues:

Hey, Snooze, look at me.  Look at me.  I’m sorry.

 

Snooze:

I’m outta here.

 

[The Snooze left abruptly, and you could hear the snaps of paparazzi photos coming from the bushes, just as he looked his angriest]

 

The End.