World Thinks Vegans are Crazy, and Nobody Knows Why


By Stuart Swanson

Article XIV

January 9, 2018


 

After several years of recycled memes and repetitive internet comments — backed by decades of a convenient endless supply of animal products — the majority of the World now considers vegans as the Earth’s craziest group.

When asked why, every person responded in the same way: “Actually I have no idea. I never really thought about it. I just heard vegans were weird and I wanted to remain in the overwhelming majority.”

Maybe it would help if we explain what it means to be vegan.

Being vegan means you don’t consume animals or animal products, which sounds crazy if you watch TV or have been alive for any amount of time.

And it is — it’s crazy.

Being vegan is crazy because you buy fresh produce, you read ingredients and pay attention to what you’re eating, you eat delicious food, you feel better physically and in my case you only get sick once every 5 years. You eat more natural food that comes straight from the ground or from plants or trees. You discover higher quality packaged foods and skip the lower quality ones that many people assume you buy. Eventually, you save money after you learn that you don’t need to recreate food just because you grew up with it, and instead you try all kinds of healthy and flavorful recipes made of fruits, vegetables, grains, nuts, seeds, spices, and more.

And that’s just… crazy.

Also, even though you drive a car and aren’t very friendly, you do feel slightly better about reducing your personal carbon footprint by not supporting the unsustainable animal-based food system that is currently hurting the planet with excess methane gas and huge underreported ponds of bloody poo.

Finally, you feel GREAT because no animals had to be created and then bothered to death in order to satisfy your outdated appetite.

But to the average person, a plant-based lifestyle might seem impossible.

“If you don’t eat animal products, what do you eat?”

A great question, but there are too many answers. It’s easier to simply eliminate the very few things vegans do NOT eat.

Vegans basically just don’t eat the 7-8 animal products currently found in almost every TV commercial and menu item (chickens, eggs, fish, crustaceans, pigs, cows, cow milk, cheese and other scattered animals but basically just those same things re-arranged over and over.)

(You know, animal products — the ones you have to add seasoning to, and also be real careful to cook properly and store properly so that they don’t make you sick.)

(You know, animal products — some of which millions of people are allergic to, like cow’s milk. That’s weird, right?)

Vegans basically just don’t eat or drink those things.

But they do eat almost everything else, which is more than a thousand things.

Most vegans also mind their own business and are nice to people who are mean as soon as they find out there’s a vegan in the room.

Meanwhile, they also wait patiently for years as their friends and family members continue to pay a middleman to breed, torture and kill (BTK!) animals just so they can keep enjoying the same few menu items over and over again without questioning what’s in it or trying anything new.

Still, ultimately it’s vegans who are considered crazy for some reason.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man Calls Himself an ‘Animal Lover’ While Eating 3-Animal Sandwich


By Stuart Swanson

Article XIII

November 13th, 2017


Earlier today, a quiet vegan who keeps to himself reluctantly accepted an invitation to go to lunch with an outgoing friend.

The only reason why he said “yes” is because vegans try to be friendly and accommodating to everyone. They have to be nice, because if one vegan does one wrong thing, the internet will talk about just that one vegan for the rest of the year.

So today, this vegan was nice and agreed to go. He even let his friend choose whatever restaurant he wanted.

As they arrived to The Uncomfortable Hog, which is a real popular place for normal people, the vegan was googling his options for one minute before he ran out of time and settled on a pathetic excuse for a meal.

His friend ordered one of the plentiful animal-based items on the menu while scrolling through social media and not even thinking about food.

They got their food, and his friend couldn’t help but notice his tomato sandwich, and was like “What the hell is that?”

The vegan went on auto-pilot and explained that he’s vegan, it’s no big deal, he does it for the animals, etc. “Anyway how have you been?”

But his friend wouldn’t let it go, and proceeded to give him a hard time, forcing the usual conversation, which lasted the entire lunch.

The vegan remained calm, saying nice things like, “Yeah, this is what I eat, every day for sure. I come here every day and order… this. Anything for the animals, right?” careful not to sound sarcastic, because remember, vegans are nice.

At the end of the lunch, the exhausted vegan thought it was over, until his friend finally admitted, “I get it, you’re an animal lover. Well you know, I am too,” as he took a bite of his Squealy Moshpit Burger, which is made of the parts of 3 different animals, plus some juice from a couple others.

“Really?” The vegan had to ask, as he waited for an explanation.

His friend continued, as five different species were represented on his plate.

“Oh yeah, I’m totally an animal lover. I love dogs and rescues. I would do ANYTHING to save animals except eat less meat.”

Then a moment later, he paused and looked off to the side in what looked like a very deep thought. It seemed like he just had an epiphany…

Then, abruptly, he sneezed and ate his sandwich. He hadn’t been thinking at all. He just had to sneeze.

The End.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Truck with Confederate Flag Scared to Drive Past Suburbs


By Stuart Swanson

Article XII

November 7th, 2017


American pick-up trucks — sometimes referred to as Wheeled Mullets due to their uncanny resemblance to some of their drivers — are often misunderstood.

It’s sad, too, because the trucks themselves are fine.

Most of these trucks are driven for practical purposes by normal individuals who use the vehicle to transport large objects and no more than one friend at a time, comfortably. And that’s great.

But sometimes a truck is driven by a different type of person altogether. Yes, sometimes, unfortunately, a pick-up truck is driven by a dusty American male with a rotten attitude.

It’s easy to spot this special breed, as they often decorate their truck with “poser dirt” and other personality-revealing bumper stickers of hunting, fishing, strippers or maybe some words about how they “don’t care about your stick family.”

The decorations vary, but their main goal is to convince the world that they’re attracted to female humans and they’re mean to everyone.

That’s a bad type of person, but they’re not even the worst. Occasionally, the world gets a reminder that there are people even worse than that.

Like today.

Showing that he was 152 years behind on the news — and unaware that he lives in the Land of Lincoln — an outdated young man from the rural area west of the western suburbs of Chicago chose to venture away from his family and friend (singular) and take a drive closer to the “big city” while displaying his racist grandfather’s confederate flag on the back of his truck.

Normally he doesn’t like to flash it around because he often feels like someone might educate him with a baseball bat if he ever drove down the wrong street with that dumb look on his face. 

But today he was feeling brave. Yes sir, today he felt like the bravest coward in Kane county. So today he put that flag on his truck, and drove towards the city.

 

Oh man, he felt great. The corn fields weren’t even talking back to him this time. “What a good idea this was,” he thought to himself, mile after mile (just the same thought over and over again.)

But as he got closer to civilization and 3-story buildings, he started to get scared.

As he approached the frighteningly 98% white town of Wheaton, Illinois, he was noticeably alarmed by the chance of being seen by his target audience. He braved on for exactly one minute, creeping past a few blocks into the “inner city of Wheaton” which consists of a Christian college and a Dairy Queen.

Realizing he was less than 30 miles away from danger, he got spooked and turned his truck around. As he fled back to the safety of whatever backyard he came from, his head and existence became smaller and smaller until everything about him finally disappeared into the distance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Humans* Deemed Smartest on Earth


By Stuart Swanson

Article XI

September 25, 2017


Over the weekend, a couch potato with average intelligence discovered that humans are officially the smartest living beings on Earth.

Not all humans, though. Oh wow, no. Definitely not. Are you serious? That’s hilarious.

Yeah, no. The majority of humans are not smart. We’d follow our GPS off a cliff if there were enough bacon or prize money at the bottom — and you know that’s true for some of us. We have almost all of Earth’s history and knowledge at our fingertips, but every day we use that access to argue with strangers about who can waste more time.

 

Humans are the smartest, yes, but it is only 3 specific humans that have been granted this coveted honor. Covfefeted? No, coveted. I had it right the first time, sorry.

Coming in 3rd place is Albert Einstein. You knew it was coming. The only reason why he’s so low on the list is because he inadvertently invented the atomic bombs that continue to hold us hostage forever. It probably would have happened eventually anyway, but still, third place forever.

2nd place goes to the astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson. Not only is he famous for being cool and smart, he’s also relevant by being vocal on Twitter, so when the future human race judges all of us based on our 2017 online activity, they’ll add that to his score. He just seems smart, even if he’s wrong. I’d look up some information about Neil deGrasse Tyson, but he’s still alive and I don’t want to creep him out.

The 1st place winner, and absolute smartest person of all time is actually a fictional character from the 1988 movie They Live! by John Carpenter. John Nada, played by Rowdy Roddy Piper, is by far the smartest person ever and will never be surpassed.

Nada only had to do one job in life, and that was to *spoiler alert* be a hilarious and cool character in just one cult classic movie, have about 25 quotable lines, break the record for longest street fight in movie history, raise awareness about consumerism and finally, save the human race and then escape Earth immediately by passing away. He did all of that and made it look easy. I’m sorry but that’s just smart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unemployed Cat Decides the Day Starts Around 5:47am


By Stuart Swanson

Article X

August 29, 2017


Common house cats are known around the world for being quiet, laid back individuals who are able to babysit themselves and generally be cool.  They know when to hang out, and they know when the party is over.

But strange, uncommon cats definitely aren’t normal, and sometimes their name is Holmes.

Holmes is a strange cat with strange habits.  He’s almost normal, but not quite.

Like all other cats, he sleeps 16 hours a day and has never held a steady job.  He loves to fight, loves to play, loves a good meal and loves attention.  He’s about as friendly as a cat can be.

There’s just one catch.

He needs someone to be awake at 5:47am every day.  And if someone is not awake by 5:47am, well, someone will be.

He’s pretty straightforward about his daily demand with his adorably loud vocals, his well-trained paws, his wet nose and clumsy ninja moves.

You can’t just sleep through it — but you get used to it.  After 12 years of disrupted sleep, it becomes second nature.  You just figure out the quickest way to get him to settle down so you can get back to sleep, and it’s okay.

But today he crossed the line which is why I wrote him up on the internet here.  I feel bad writing this because he just wants to hang out, but not bad enough to stop writing.

Today, Holmes got an early start by asking for food at 4:32am even though there was already food.

Fair enough, here’s some more food.  Now go back to sleep.

About 10 minutes later I don’t know what he wanted but he let me know about it verbally.  I petted him for a minute, let him know he’s the best, then went back to sleep.

That sleep lasted about 10 seconds, because he then practiced a barrage of complaints that never stopped.  I decided it wasn’t worth even trying, so I did nothing and got as much sleep as I could in between complaints.

That lasted about an hour.

At exactly 5:47am though, Holmes achieved a new low (or a new high, if you’re looking at life from his perspective.)

In a display of superiority, and as a reminder that he could kill me in my sleep if he wanted, Holmes descended from what felt like the ceiling, and landed directly on my neck and upper body.  No claws though — he kept his claws in.

I couldn’t believe it.  I will never know how he got that much air time even though he probably did jump from the distant cat tower.  Such an impact and really cool way to wake someone up!

At that point I got up and said, “Alright Holmes, you win, let’s get up, it’s 5:47, here we go, let’s play…”

And I got up and we played and he was happy.  In fact, he’s happy right now sitting next to me as I write this, so I can’t even be mad at him.  I wonder how he’ll wake me up tomorrow.