Man Calls Himself an ‘Animal Lover’ While Eating 3-Animal Sandwich

By Stuart Swanson

Article XIII

November 13th, 2017

Earlier today, a quiet vegan who keeps to himself reluctantly accepted an invitation to go to lunch with an outgoing friend.

The only reason why he said “yes” is because vegans try to be friendly and accommodating to everyone. They have to be nice, because if one vegan does one wrong thing, the internet will talk about just that one vegan for the rest of the year.

So today, this vegan was nice and agreed to go. He even let his friend choose whatever restaurant he wanted.

As they arrived to The Uncomfortable Hog, which is a real popular place for normal people, the vegan was googling his options for one minute before he ran out of time and settled on a pathetic excuse for a meal.

His friend ordered one of the plentiful animal-based items on the menu while scrolling through social media and not even thinking about food.

They got their food, and his friend couldn’t help but notice his tomato sandwich, and was like “What the hell is that?”

The vegan went on auto-pilot and explained that he’s vegan, it’s no big deal, he does it for the animals, etc. “Anyway how have you been?”

But his friend wouldn’t let it go, and proceeded to give him a hard time, forcing the usual conversation, which lasted the entire lunch.

The vegan remained calm, saying nice things like, “Yeah, this is what I eat, every day for sure. I come here every day and order… this. Anything for the animals, right?” careful not to sound sarcastic, because remember, vegans are nice.

At the end of the lunch, the exhausted vegan thought it was over, until his friend finally admitted, “I get it, you’re an animal lover. Well you know, I am too,” as he took a bite of his Squealy Moshpit Burger, which is made of the parts of 3 different animals, plus some juice from a couple others.

“Really?” The vegan had to ask, as he waited for an explanation.

His friend continued, as five different species were represented on his plate.

“Oh yeah, I’m totally an animal lover. I love dogs and rescues. I would do ANYTHING to save animals except eat less meat.”

Then a moment later, he paused and looked off to the side in what looked like a very deep thought. It seemed like he just had an epiphany…

Then, abruptly, he sneezed and ate his sandwich. He hadn’t been thinking at all. He just had to sneeze.

The End.








Truck with Confederate Flag Scared to Drive Past Suburbs

By Stuart Swanson

Article XII

November 7th, 2017

American pick-up trucks — sometimes referred to as Wheeled Mullets due to their uncanny resemblance to some of their drivers — are often misunderstood.

It’s sad, too, because the trucks themselves are fine.

Most of these trucks are driven for practical purposes by normal individuals who use the vehicle to transport large objects and no more than one friend at a time, comfortably. And that’s great.

But sometimes a truck is driven by a different type of person altogether. Yes, sometimes, unfortunately, a pick-up truck is driven by a dusty American male with a rotten attitude.

It’s easy to spot this special breed, as they often decorate their truck with “poser dirt” and other personality-revealing bumper stickers of hunting, fishing, strippers or maybe some words about how they “don’t care about your stick family.”

The decorations vary, but their main goal is to convince the world that they’re attracted to female humans and they’re mean to everyone.

That’s a bad type of person, but they’re not even the worst. Occasionally, the world gets a reminder that there are people even worse than that.

Like today.

Showing that he was 152 years behind on the news — and unaware that he lives in the Land of Lincoln — an outdated young man from the rural area west of the western suburbs of Chicago chose to venture away from his family and friend (singular) and take a drive closer to the “big city” while displaying his racist grandfather’s confederate flag on the back of his truck.

Normally he doesn’t like to flash it around because he often feels like someone might educate him with a baseball bat if he ever drove down the wrong street with that dumb look on his face. 

But today he was feeling brave. Yes sir, today he felt like the bravest coward in Kane county. So today he put that flag on his truck, and drove towards the city.


Oh man, he felt great. The corn fields weren’t even talking back to him this time. “What a good idea this was,” he thought to himself, mile after mile (just the same thought over and over again.)

But as he got closer to civilization and 3-story buildings, he started to get scared.

As he approached the frighteningly 98% white town of Wheaton, Illinois, he was noticeably alarmed by the chance of being seen by his target audience. He braved on for exactly one minute, creeping past a few blocks into the “inner city of Wheaton” which consists of a Christian college and a Dairy Queen.

Realizing he was less than 30 miles away from danger, he got spooked and turned his truck around. As he fled back to the safety of whatever backyard he came from, his head and existence became smaller and smaller until everything about him finally disappeared into the distance.