Fire Department Called Over Harmless Vaping Incident

By Stuart Swanson

Article IV

June 29th, Current Year

Earlier tonight, concerned citizen Stuart Swanson made a life-changing decision to try to help save someone’s life.  During his otherwise normal drive across town, he saw something nobody should ever have to see.  A flash fire appeared to have started IN SOMEONE’S CAR.  Well… not a fire exactly, but there was SMOKE BILLOWING OUT OF THE WINDOW.

Normally he would have just shrugged it off and kept driving, but he was pretty sure another driver noticed that he saw the problem.  That changed everything, because now if he didn’t react, he might get shamed on the internet for driving past a fellow human who was dying by turning into smoke.

he was pretty sure another driver noticed that he saw the problem

Now that he realized he was required to take action, he took a huge chance and called 911 while driving.

During the first 3 minutes of the conversation, Mr. Swanson kept explaining to 911 that he wasn’t breaking the law by talking on his cell phone while driving.  They kept interrupting him to say that it was OK, but he can’t hear when he’s not listening.

Finally, he explained that there was smoke coming out of another driver’s window every 30 seconds or so, and they immediately explained, that was just somebody smoking a vape cigarette or whatever it’s called.

“Oh,” he said after a moment of silence.

Slightly embarrassed, Stuart Swanson then made sure they understood his point of view.  “Okay I do feel stupid right now, yes, but you have to understand, I thought the man’s head was on fire,” he said calmly, then added, “You should have seen how much smoke was coming from this man’s head.”

“I thought the man’s head was on fire,”

The 911 operator then thanked him for his service, and told him to have a good night, but there was definitely a hint of a laugh as she said it.









Loser Wins Race to Stoplight

By Stuart Swanson

Article III

June 28th, Current Year

Earlier this afternoon, typical loser (male in his twenties driving too fast) Dwayne “Sparky” Rogers won a temporary race during everyone else’s peaceful commute home.  Unfortunately for him he was the only participant, and it was a race to nowhere.

Nobody else knew there was even a race. Everyone else just figured they should relax and drive safely, maybe even enjoy the nice weather outside while listening to the blues on the radio.  But Sparky had other plans, impatiently tailgating, cutting people off, swerving around and wearing out his obnoxious muffler.

Sparky made a spectacle of himself, driving past everyone with his trademark open-mouth dumb look as he drove past each driver.  He then made his final push, swerving dangerously close between an elderly driver and a huge 18-wheeler, showing everyone just how worthless his life was.  He then floored it to his destination.

Everyone was then suddenly overcome with joy as they noticed the upcoming stoplight turn red just before he approached.  He actually had to slam on his brakes, making one of his truck’s fake balls fly out of the bag, rolling back towards everyone he left in the dust.

Then his car exploded, and because he won his little race by half a block, everyone except him was okay.  He died though, and nobody helped because his whole car and all of his body parts evaporated into the atmosphere, so there was nothing to clean up or report.  It was perfect.

He then never showed up to the dive bar, but nobody noticed because he didn’t have a personality.  Within 2 days, everyone he ever knew forgot he existed.







Man Feels Bad for Friend’s Dead Dog for 12 Seconds

By Stuart Swanson

Article II

June 27th, Current Year

Seemingly nice guy Stuart Swanson felt bad for a
moment on Tuesday when he briefly scrolled past his
friend’s extremely lengthy Facebook post about his
brand new dead dog.  At first, he thought it was just
another picture of some random dog that was still alive, but then he noticed a sad emoji, and realized what kind of post it was.

He thought about that while he continued to furiously
scroll past at least 14 more posts.  Then, opportunity
knocked and he realized he could score some points
with not only his friend, but everyone in general. Yes, he could easily post a thoughtful response talking about how happy his friend’s dog was, and how he had the best possible life, even though he never met the dog and wasn’t even that close with his friend, actually.

Gallantly, Mr. Swanson started to scroll back up to
the post.  He got sidetracked because another post
caught his attention.  “Oh man, how did I not see that?  That’s hilarious!”  Then he got his serious face back on, and said, I’ve got work to do. He arrived to his friend’s post, and started to read the words beneath the picture.

After reading just one thought-provoking sentence that
reminded him of his own problems, he noticed the
“Continue Reading” was coming up already, and he
exclaimed quietly “I’ve seen enough, I’m posting.”

Stuart Swanson then spent 2 hours typing up response
after response, deleting, rearranging, and rewriting
the whole thing. He was pretty sure his wife said
something to him about an hour ago, but he wasn’t sure
because he was really fixated on saying the right
thing on a post that would only be seen by people he
didn’t even know, plus his really sad friend.
He read his comment, which turned out to be longer
than his friend’s original post. It had empathy
written all over it, with phrases like “I’m
devastated” and “I don’t think I’m going to be able to
go try out for that Over 40 Softball team later this
afternoon, because I’m just crushed. I’d post a
picture of my tears, but this isn’t about me, this is
about ______. (look up dog name later)”

Finally, he completed the dog’s name, removed the
reminder, and posted.  Then, just moments after posting this heart-warming comment, Stuart Swanson had no choice but to continue scrolling through Facebook, and within just 6 seconds, again saw the funny viral video of a different dog scooting his bum across a dinner table. Overcome with instant joy, he immediately joined the other 6,000 commenters by mindlessly posting “LOL! That’s Hilarious!!!” which ultimately showed up on his sad friend’s newsfeed just as he started to read how devastated Stuart Swanson was 12 seconds ago.

That’s actually the end of the story.







Snooze Button Now World’s Most Popular Button

By Stuart Swanson

Article I

June 27th, Current Year

Move over smart phone, there’s a new button that’s all the rage with kids, adults and even other kinds of people.  Whoever you are, you can’t get enough of this thing, and you know it.

The snooze button, who now goes by AKA Snoozy due to its newfound fame, finally agreed to sit down with The Trues and answer a few questions we’ve ALL been dying to ask.

Editor’s Note: We met up in the outdoor courtyard of a quaint coffee shop, on a very nice sunny day.  This interview was cut short because, well, you’ll see.


The Trues:

First off, thank you for agreeing to have this interview.  Ever since you physically retired last year, leaving the grunt work to all of your clones, you’ve been known to live an elusive, private life.


AKA Snoozy:

Hey, no problem.  It’s actually kind of nice to get out of the house.  It’s nice to have a house!


The Trues:

You’re actually so popular that people are calling you something new every 15 seconds.  In fact, in the timeframe that we’ve been talking, according to Twitter, your name is now simply “The Snooze”…


The Snooze:

Well hey, what can I say, “Life is weird, ain’t it?”  Can I coin that term?  Oh wait, I just did! *Arrogant Snicker*


The Trues:

Everyone loves you.  How can you not love a temporary escape from reality?  You’ve been around for about a century, but you really skyrocketed last year thanks to rising inflation, lower incomes, overbearing supervisors with single-family homes and nice cars, never-ending elections, celebrity deaths, facebook comments, rigged sports events, recycled entertainment and general sadness increasing every day.  If you think about it, we’re all living in a tame, slow-motion prequel to The Hunger Games.  People simply don’t even want to get up anymore…  But you’re doing great!  How are you dealing with being in the spotlight?


The Snooze:

Wow.  When you put it like that, it explains a lot.  I was actually in a good mood until now.  You’re right, the only reason why I’m popular is because life sucks for the majority of Earth’s population.  What was the question again?


The Trues:

I am so, so sorry.  Let me rephrase: What’s your life been like since last year? (How have you been dealing with the fame and popularity?)


Tom Snooze: (who removed his sunglasses in order to make direct eye contact to answer this question):

You know, you really brought me down, man.  Here I was, an aging hipster in the twilight of my life, just when it started to be cool to be an aging hipster.  Finally enjoying my moment in the sun.  Better yet, thanks to mass production I was able to retire and start globetrotting.  Everywhere I go, I’m recognized.  And not only that, everyone’s been real nice to my face.  But now, I’m not sure how genuine that is.  Thanks to you, with your question — your pre-calculated, backhanded question, I’m not so sure how genuine everyone has been.  Now, it’s quite clear to me that I’m not really “adored” but I’m more of a depressing reminder that people have to get up and “try” to make it another day…


[Snooze was becoming visibly angry and people were starting to stare]


The Trues:

Hey, Snooze, look at me.  Look at me.  I’m sorry.



I’m outta here.


[The Snooze left abruptly, and you could hear the snaps of paparazzi photos coming from the bushes, just as he looked his angriest]


The End.






Not Enough Sarcastic News Sites, Study Finds

By Stuart Swanson

Article 0

June 27th, Current Year

After 22 years of full-time research without pay, on Tuesday night at 7:52pm, life-long nobody Stuart Swanson concluded that there weren’t enough news sites dedicated to the art of sarcastic news reporting.  Currently there are just over 1 million sites dedicated to the craft, but he’d like to see it hit 7 billion by next year (whatever year you’re reading this.)

“One way we can reach this goal is if every person on Earth runs their own fake news site, and I think we can do it,” he said to nobody.

“I think we can do it,” he said to nobody.

The author then repeated himself, hoping that most people would understand that the repetition was on purpose.

Wasting no time, or arguably wasting everyone’s time, he then proceeded to publish his first article.  It’s this article.  You’re almost done reading it.

Anyway, Stuart Swanson hopes you enjoy The Trues, available now and always at and maybe other places in the future.






and now… the first articles of The Trues!


“… thanks to rising inflation, lower
incomes, overbearing supervisors with
single-family homes and nice cars, elections,
police brutality, pet deaths, celebrity deaths,
facebook, recycled entertainment and …”


“… Then, just moments after posting this heart-warming comment, Stuart Swanson had no choice but to continue scrolling through Facebook, and within just 6 seconds, again saw the funny viral video of a different, living animal that was …

loser wins race to stoplight

“… Nobody else knew there was even a race.  Everyone else just figured they should relax and drive safely, maybe even enjoy the nice weather outside while listening to the blues on the radio.  But Sparky had other plans, impatiently …